Caller Number 2, please don’t sue, you’re on void!Ĭaller number 2: Loaf, it sounded like you were asking about getting partial custody of the twelve broodlings? It that right? It really, really sucks, but I’m on my fifth divorce, and you just like, you just gotta power through it. Not banned yet! Haha, just wait.Ĭaller Number 1: Sure? Okay, so like, divorce really sucks. Melanie: Technically, you were Caller Number 567, but pretty much all of those were spam or on our ban list, so, yeah, I guess you are special. You’re on void.Ĭaller Number 1: Oh my gosh, I’m like never number one. Caller Number 1, you gotta be a lotta fun, or you get the boot. Melanie: That’s a lot of talking without an actual question, but this isn’t Space Jeopardy, so we’re just gonna roll right through. We are experiencing loss and are looking for rebirth, and this is the easiest way we can get it. Loaf: No, during the 4th and 5th life, many members of my species have a strong urge to become midwives. This is your 4th life, so it totally makes sense. And I may also be going through a bit of a midwife crisis. Loaf: I need advice on navigating a divorce. Alright, listeners! What a convoluted but ultimately mundane problem that is! Was there a question in that, cause I didn’t hear one. Melanie: Huh, okay so you’re basically a deadbeat dad. They usually come up with a pun for this part, but I have to admit I’m feeling a bit put on the spot. I don’t know if that’s going to be possible. I want to still be able to see my broodlings from time to time. to part with the others, but as far as I know it hasn’t happened in a very long time. Technically, there is precedent for one member of a… lets call it a “marriage”. I was away on my universe’s version of Earth and I ended up staying a long time, and I didn’t really want to go home, but I finally did go home and some of it was nice, but there was a lot of unpleasantness which eventually led to my decision to uh… leave. My species has a lot of different genders, and each gender has very specific duties involved with child-rearing and spousal-community organization. I’m an Armulan from an alternate universe. Loaf: Well, we’ve certainly heard a lot questions in our time as advice radio hosts, it shouldn’t be too hard to formulate our own. No, no no no you shattered piece of concrete for bipeds to trip upon, you have to ask a question first. Melanie: Interesting! Very interesting that you think that. Janet: Oh, I thought like, we just did that. What would you like our listeners to advise you on today? I would pinch your little cheeks if I had hands. Melanie: My! Aren’t you just a delightful little poisonous rodent inching towards a series of inappropriately comical death traps! Ooh ooh ooh.
I’m currently on the run from the law in at least three universes for various time travel violations, and I enjoy succulents, money, and the musical stylings of the late twentieth century Earth adolescent groups. Janet: Uh… What? Um, well, I’m a human from my version of Earth. Melanie: Ooh boy! That is a bag of three-headed snakes on the empty planes of the wasteland moon for sure! What about you, marginally less and slightly more attractive lumpy? Melanie mmhms and ahs at Loaf’s responses as he is speaking. Well let’s see, I’m from Armulus Zeta Zombort, I’m on my fourth life, I have about twelve broodlings, and I am currently running away from some very emotionally and financially complicated divorce proceedings, the likes of which haven’t been seen on my planet for literally centuries. Janet: She was definitely talking about you! Definitely you. So, before we delve into your problems, why don’t you each tell us a little something about yourselves? Let’s start with you, lumpy. Melanie: SO NOO! Oh ho! What a foolish premise! If you would like to solve the problems of these hapless, empty, adviceless souls, give us a call at 0019210938308629834203424b. Loaf: Well, I don’t know exactly what qualifies one as an expert at ‘advice-giving’ but I would say. Janet: Well, listeners send us questions and we answer them. And thanks for having us, Melody- Melanie.
Joining me in the studio today are Loaf and Jen, Jenner- General? Two beings from an alternate universe, who, ha! Host their own radio show there! How quaint! Welcome to this universe. Melanie : Hello, toughest of listeners! Welcome to Problems Requiring Solutions, the intergalactic advice show where you, the listeners, help our gender-neutral damsels in distress be less distressed by helping them to fight off their entirely metaphorical and extremely mundane dragons. Coming up next is Problems Requiring Solutions. ĭifferent, more British robot voice: You’re listening to a program on IFM2 Subspace Radio.
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